Joel's Blogs Feed

Fire Pictures

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-09-28T20:22:00-07:00

Here are some pictures from today.
Well in the PHOTO section under valley fire/

1200 Acres already burned and the winds are picking up.

I could not get any shots of actual night, but once the light was gone all you could see was fire and some areas with flame burst of 15-20 feet.

Addition 11:23 PM : Now 3700 Acres are burned.
New pics posted of what it looks like in the dark,
and some silly light tricks.

Update 10:50 AM Thursday : The fire line has moved Southwest
and has now covered 16,000 Acres, from Chatsworth to
the outskirts of Calabasas, 15 miles in all.

Update 4:33 PM : The wind has changed directions
and the smoke cloud has blocked out the sun at the house.
The fire is now 5 miles away in some places, but does not threaten us.

Throwing in the Towel - The 59th Post

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-09-07T15:41:00-07:00

Well here we are. 4 or so months after starting this thing and as you may well have gathered I am out of steam.

I hope that my ramblings have meant something to someone along the line. Alan and I will eventually post here again, not necessarily in the form of a blog but at rosewoodat5th.com.

We will leave this up so of course you can come back if you want to re-read anything or enjoy the pictures.

Thanks for reading.

At Least I've Driven Drunk!

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-08-31T12:13:00-07:00

I have noticed recently that humans, and particularly college aged humans, like to "experience" certain things just for the sake of that experience. As if it is not the thing itself which they are doing but merely the experience of it. I have most recently heard this espoused in relation to drug use. This person said at least they have had the experience of it, as if, in order to truly know about it you must experience it. There are certain things where this is true, for example, love is best understood when it has both been known about and experienced. Of course this is the break down, most would agree that love, although it has taken some casualties, is an experience central and even necessary to the human experience. Outside of perceived problems with it and in the wake of it, it is a good thing with very little risk of harm. (Not that avoiding harm is the ultimate consideration, if it were many good men would not have done the right thing in giving their lives for others.) This is the point, we all pick and choose what we think is a good idea or is not one, and often we go about acting on them to find out. Often when we discover that something was not a good idea we say things like, well at least it is an experience I have had. How about instead of doing everything to decide its merit, we think about things before we have to do them. After all it is the fool locked up in prison who says well "at least now I have driven drunk", and the fools are many who, instead of figuring out who they want to be, who they are truly are, go around trying to discover that by living in reverse. Not shaping, with God in control, but being shaped by winds of living with their eyes closed.

I Lied

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-08-23T12:37:00-07:00

I think this week is also going to be insane in many regards. Look for normal post after August 31st.

Then I will be alone in thought most of the time, right now there is to much to do in preparation for Alan's departure.

Next Week

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-08-19T13:06:00-07:00

Well this week was extremely busy again. Next week looks to be more sane. Our parents and sister are going out of town so Alan and I will have the run of the house to ourselves, which is always fun. We are counting down quickly to Alan going/coming home so that is interesting. All that said, next week promises to be back to my normal schedule of posts for the week. I am not sure if I can keep up posting for much longer than through Sept., we will see, maybe when things get less busy I will have more thoughts. It sort of depends on what and who I get to see out here, if I can stay in better touch with friends else where and cultivate the friendships I think God wants me to invest in here, there will be plenty to say and learn. Time will tell very much.

The Human Calculator

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-08-16T16:08:00-07:00

I have been recently reminded of how much trouble calculating things of the heart can be. There are certain things in this world which were not meant to be thought out in numbers and figures, even if figuratively. This has also given me great food for thought, and searching of my heart to do. Why do I want to calculate out friendship, and loving? I think a partial answer is control, and fear. I am not sure yet why or what I want to control or what the precise thing it is I am afraid of. I just know that it is there. I feel as though the obvious answers are only part of the real reasons, so it will take time.

Most of all, I feel as though my calculations have had me miss opportunities I was supposed to take. My instinct and heart said it was what I should do, but my calculating mind would not allow it. This is unacceptable. Essentially filtering out God's voice, telling him that his way is to risky. Even letting myself believing it is for the best, that I was saving myself or the other people involved. Luckily he has used other parts, that are not hiding, of my heart for good and for loving.

I want it all to be released.
Release me.

Expectations

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-08-12T16:03:00-07:00

I think it is important to be aware of our expectations, both conscious and sub-counsious, when heading into a situation. It is often thwarted expectations that cause us to become bitter and upset at a situation or even worse a friend. If we start to recognize what we are expecting of something or someone, than we can react more appropriately if the expectation is not met. For example, I used to get very angry and upset if I thought I was heading into a quieter more one on one situation with a friend, and it turned into a everyone is around, lets go do something in a big group. Now I naturally prefer a quieter interaction with a good conversation, so I often felt this should be what would happen. The reality was often very different. I would get deeply bitter at the circumstance and the people who I thought were responsible. A lot of this was due to the fact that I was not aware that even had an expectation going in. Now, having mostly realized this, I am less likely to freak out because I can be okay if my own expectation is not being met. It is taken from the realm of sub-counsious auto pilot to a conscious desire to be happy just because I love the people I am with. Basically to look for flowers in weeds. This in effect is an important way to love people by way of a loving reaction to a circumstance that is not immediately something you would prefer.

There is one other level to consider. Once you start to understand what your own expectations are, and can react to them appropriately, instead of only on the visceral level, you can start to look out for other people's expectations. This requires us to look, and listen closely to the things that disappoint our friends, to the things that make them upset. Then we can act on that information and be doing more than merely not reacting poorly to someone. We can actively love them and meet their expectations, even when they are not expecting them to be met. We can make sure also to not get angry at them if they are upset and try and remedy what we may. This is no text book sort of thing to go around evaluating, but something to keep in mind about yourself and the people around you, so that you may be more apt to react in love, and be loving.

A Rip In Space and Time

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-08-10T21:18:00-07:00

Alan was trying to see if and how our website shows up when searched in google. In this quest he searched our names, which you can do, and found something very weird as the first result. You can search it or just click this link http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&q=alan+and+joel+miller&btnG=Google+Search .

Have fun, we did.

August is the Busiest Month

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-08-09T13:19:00-07:00

There is something about the end of summer and right before a lot of people go back to a life of 100% routine that causes a surge of activity. Life has been packed for the last two weeks and weekends. This most recent weekend we started by having old family friends over on Saturday night. These people are great. They are old friends of our mom's from Canada in Jr. High, and she knew each of them before they met each other and eventually married. Then on Sunday night we had dinner with friends that we have made out here. This was fun for Alan and I because we made the menu and cooked the food, sort of our night to entertain and serve. We made goat cheese balls rolled in herbs on olive oil toasted sliced baguettes, the main course was pasta coated in bread crumbs with prosciutto, and then bread pudding with amaretto sauce to drizzle on top.

Both of these nights end past midnight and both were very much fun. On sunday night Alan and I went out to pick up a magazine for a prop for our shoot on Monday. The call time was 8am and we were picking up Jon Coleman, so we woke up at 6 and then went to the shoot. We got back home last night/this morning at 3am, that is a 19 hour shoot. Anyway, every august seems to be packed, last year was similar in many ways. We had an over night shoot and 50 hours of recording to do with Colin, Kevin and Mike, in the same week. It is tiring but it is good to have work to do, and people to meet, and friends to love.

Next Week

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-08-04T09:16:00-07:00

I apologize if anyone has checked this for new posts, since he have not posted. This is my week off from posting I suppose. So check back next week for new posts, and I hope all is well. We are having some people over for dinner on Saturday which I am excited about, and we also are seeing some old family friends from Idaho/Canada this weekend as well. If you missed some posts in the past there is an archive section listed by month you can read old posts, not saying you should or would care to, but if you want something to do is all. Until Monday...

Thoughts From Senior Year

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-07-29T07:33:00-07:00

I came across this recently. I wrote this the period after chapel where they aired the Jr/Sr video in the spring of 2002, which will not mean anything to some of you, but it is essentially immediate reflections on any mistake that hurts a friend. It is written here as I wrote that day. Also this is a reminder to me of those people who I will always call friend.

Every person has the ability to do good and evil. One thing we say, do, or even sometimes think, can change the course of our lives and more often than not the people around us.

Wisdom and maturity is the ability to make the correct, good choices, and then, when we screw up, learning from those mistakes.

Who I am now is not who I was and that is the difference between now and then.

To hope the best for someone is simply not assuming that they are the same.

I have a good heart. I thought I wanted to do the right thing and what is good for other people, sometimes though it is to easy to get lost along the way.

That is why doing it on your own, becoming more patient or loving, doesn't work, because we become disillusioned by our own ability to change and then while we are focused on changing ourselves for the better we are thinking of ourselves and not others. That same attitude then, for good, in times of trouble, will switch to negative self serving attitudes which ultimately hurts others. That is why we must rely on God for our life, for our heart change, then we have the focus turned outward not inward, and also we have the ultimate source of those qualities fueling and feeding us. That is when we see genuine selfless growth.

For Your Convenience

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-07-27T14:21:00-07:00

Love is not convenient. Friendship is not convenient.

In spite of this being the case, how often do we treat it like it is, or should be.
Something tied to our own comfort, our own ease of accesability.

I am not suprised by this. We are all taught to draw boundries, we are all told that it is healthy. DO not let people walk all over you! Do not let them take advantage of you! The modern focus on self-esteem makes us think that we need to be concerned about me first. We are even told that if we do not love ourselves we cannot love others, there may be truth in this, but there is no excuse.

Even the people we are friends with tell us not to go out of our way. It is not hard to believe how easily we fold up and agree not to. Naturally we want to look after ourselves the most, so it takes very little to sway us or be convinced.

Quit calculating.
Quit trying to figure out what is the most practical solution.
Quit trying to find the 'easy to reach' answers to friendship.
Quit quitting when it gets hard. It will be hard somedays.

Do take the extra trips. Let your gifts be completely un-practical.
Give your time. Let others have access to and give your strength or your beauty. Listen closely, and remember that which is close to your friends hearts. Use your talents. Think of which specific things make the people God has given to you them.

Love ought to be extravagent. Profuse, exceeding reasonable bounds, extremely abudant. This is how we have been loved, and sought after. Friends and love are not for your convenience, but you can be available to be theirs. I have made the mistake of trying to calculate and also made some friends, friends of convenience.
It is a wrong I want to learn to right. I am really writing this to myself as a reminder, and prayer: that God would teach/remind me what real love is actually like.

An Epic Battle

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-07-22T14:01:00-07:00

We are in the midst of an epic battle.

I know that most days it is hard to believe, but somewhere in between worrying about bills, what to wear, and career there it is. A battlefield. Right pitted against wrong. Good men working to change or stop the will of evil men. What has become cliche is still true. The only thing needed for what is wrong to continue is for those who know right to stand by idle.

I am trying to look for this fight in everything. Not to literally fight, of course, but to start to understand what is at stake and the subtle tools and battles the enemy wages and often wins because we do not even see that it is happening. This happens in our own hearts, I know because it happens in my heart. No large pronouncements, no battle horn, just small bits of our hearts, increasingly large chunks of the freedom we are offered, we give up. It is this is at stake. The hearts of God's most valued creations. I urge you to stay connected to the vine at whatever the cost, and be aware of the attacks on those God has put into your life. Ask for these things.

For it is life we are after. True life, abundant life.
Freedom as the word is defined.
These are the gifts we are given.
I want to truly know what these words mean.
We cannot do it alone.
I have tried and it only ends in failure.

Please look to do right, and for the right reasons.
May you all know true hope, abundant faith, and love beyond reason.
If any of you would like prayer about something
leave a comment, or e-mail at joel@rosewoodat5th.com
even if we have not talked in a long time or I even know you the option in there,

With Love...

(P.S. - I am not sure about the rest of the album
but check out this song from WIllie Nelson's Latest, Countryman.)

Listening to ''The Harder They Come'', by Willie Nelson (Play Count: 2)

Music

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-07-20T13:37:00-07:00

Music is a fantastic invention. It is fun to listen to and even more fun to play.

Anyways I was just listening to some, and talking about song-writing and enjoying it.

One more thing, if anyone reading this has never heard or picked up
The Cardigans album from last year titled "Long Gone Before Daylight",
I recommend that you go check it out. It is full of solid tunes and production. I can almost guarantee that you will find it enjoyable and thematic for whatever season of life you are in.

Love and Peace,

Addendum to Yesterdays Entry

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-07-19T17:34:00-07:00

I was thinking about this and I realized that a big part of what I am talking about is actually about coming back to the person who has removed themselves. That is to keep extending yourself to them as a friend. The opposite of this and the natural reaction is to not ever return to them, even if they try to come back to you as a friend, because your pride was hurt, etc. That is all, I just wanted to add that it is more than just a benign in activity, but a pro active attempt to maintain hope and love bigger than feelings for your friends.

An Answer to Silence

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-07-18T13:18:00-07:00

Originally Written on Monday March 14 2005 - 2:24 PM.

It is better to always assume the best of a friend. It is yet another case in which you will never be in the wrong. If you hastily jump to a conclusion you will only show the depth of your character, the selfish base of your friendship, and risk the inevitability of hurting one who you claim to love. It is better than, in the instance of a friend who has not returned calls or mail, to let them be as long as possible. Which is longer than is natural. By giving them space and time, you, once they return as a friend and to the world around them, become a true friend. Not someone who, when seemingly ignored, becomes upset and angered because of what you are missing out on, or at how rude a gesture their silence seems.

Of course you must balance this with concern and wanting to be there for them.
This is not a thought for situations in which you ignore them simply because it is easier than engaging in a conflict or their personal problem(s), I trust you are all smart enough to discern.

In this way, the pay off will be greater than the silence, and if they never do come back, offer your friendship still and leave it at that. You have lost nothing, but at a great minimum, have gained character.

Get That Truck!

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-07-16T10:12:00-07:00

Leave it to Los Angeles. Last night Alan and I watched about an hour of a varying speed chase. This is not so unusual here in LA. What was unusual is that this was a stolen, 16 total wheel, semi truck. The scene is like that of a movie, maybe they were shooting one, just to get that real feel. There were two police helicopters with what they call night sun, at least 5 news helicopters, 3 immediate CHP officers, with more blocking traffic etc., and unsuspecting motorists not knowing what to do. There was a point where it seems as though two others cars thought they were being chased so they sped up instead of pulling off. The final bit of outrageousness is that if the tanks were fully loaded on this stolen/hijacked big rig it could drive for 1200-1500 miles approx. We only saw an hour and then the news went off, I do not know how long it went on for but the word indefinitely comes to mind. There is just not much you can do tactically do a big rig truck except run it out of gas or reason with the human contents. All I have to say is only in LA. This is why you have move here for a while but leave before you turn crazy.

Coveting or Caution

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-07-13T12:44:00-07:00

I sometimes wonder what people are trying to accomplish with certain sentiment. I was discussing the market today with my father and he remarked that everyone he has talked to about the sorts of trading we are doing, tells him they do not know anyone who has made any money at it. What I cannot figure out is why people would respond in such a way. My initial reaction is that they must be saying that perhaps you should quit while you are ahead and not fail as you are destined to. I cannot accept this as an answer though, it seems to me that for every thing that men have succeeded at some men have also failed. I thought to ask these people what it is they do, ask them if they know anyone in there field who has been let go because of poor performance and than ask them how, in the face of failure, they can keep on pursuing their career.

My next thought is that they are warning you to be cautious, but then I wonder about the general tone of this warning. It is not typically one of friendly caution. Maybe they are just "making conversation." Perhaps it is motivated by jealousy. Maybe it is that they would rather you not be in the minority and succeed because you will outperform the people they know, or even more plausible and closer to home, you try something that they do not have the courage to. Maybe that is why they are so familiar with all the people who have failed, after all, the failures support their ability to say "I am right not to take the risk, look at how many have failed."

There are many things that this sentiment applies to, many ways in which people make these sorts of statements. Whether you want to be and actor or musician or start your own business. I have no conclusion. It just struck me as odd that people seem to know failure stories so well and are so ready and able to share them. Maybe it is all these things. As for our success or not, only time will tell.

The Societal Inflation of Sex

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-07-11T10:44:00-07:00

Originally Written on Friday, March 18 2005 at 11:56 AM

I find proof of the inflated role sex plays in our modern world every where.
An example. The other day I listened as a few people sat around discussing marriage and whether or not two people would get married, and then why they may or may not end up getting married. Now these people being discussed already live together, so this argument was made, "why would they marry if they already have put everything out on the table?" Of course in reference to sex. This may in fact be a valid point but not the best point and is outside my point. By making sex the highest aim of marriage the person who has posed this question has demonstrated the inflated nature of sex. There is more to marriage than sex and likely more to sex than we can understand in our finite minds. Once again we have taken one aspect of something to lightly and the other side of the same issue to seriously.
These scales are tipped when it comes to sex.

In response to this question the other party proposed this question specifically was a moral question and one asked from a background of faith, essentially saying there is no reason this couple should be deprived of sex before marriage. After all they do not share this view that is merely a religious stance. Is this not what our popular culture implies, that we should all have access to sex whenever we want it, as it is our right, unless, of course, you should have something as unfortunate as a sexual hang up or moral issue, than you ought to feel guilty.

This first outlook shows sex inflated as the end in the means of marriage, and our second outlook proves to be an even higher inflation because it proposes that nothing should separate us from something that, if truly evaluated, is held in nearly the same regard as eating. We should get it whenever we are hungry and/or bored, and there should be nothing restraining us from having it in unlimited amounts. I am certain you all can think of even more obvious examples, from t.v. or music or your friends, of how largely inflated a role sex plays in our lives, it is important to understand this in order to avoid a blind wholesale endorsement of it, on any level, in our own hearts and minds.

Say Something Important

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-07-08T13:02:00-07:00

There are times when so much changes that there is nothing you can say that will be as important as the events themselves. In this instance, since Wednesday, another terrorist attack, news about a big change in a good friends life, taking on more financial responsibility for the family, trying to change things in my own mind and heart, and a few other things escaping me at this moment. I have nothing important to say, just that a lot is moving and for the better, with this I am pleased, besides the situation in London.

On a side note, yet again I had a great idea of what I wanted to write last night, I did not write down a reminder and now I do not know, this is the second time I have written that I have done this, and I cannot count how many times I have done this and not addressed it. The lesson; it is a healthy practice to write worthy ideas down, at the very least they will serve as a reminder of who you once were compared to who have become or perhaps who you say you want to be. Our past ideas can teach us a great deal about ourselves once we have long forgotten that we ever thought them.

Until next time.
May you know true peace and real love,
and may your heart be held captive by Jesus.

Listening to ''Diamonds Are Forever (Remix) Feat. Jay-Z'', by Kanye West

Listening to ''Heartbeats'', by Jose González (Play Count: 7)
Listening to ''Stay In The Shade'', by Jose González (Play Count: 6)

Independence Day

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-07-06T09:39:00-07:00

I missed this Monday, that is skipped writing an entry. I am sure everyone who checks this was upset to not find ten thousand words to read. Mary has been in town, which has been really great and fun, and it was the 4th of July. I hope that everyone got a chance to see some fireworks, it is a great pastime. I love to be oohed and awed by the colours and sounds, as well as the little kids we got to watch them with this year, who were priceless. Also I am glad to be an American and to have had the privilege of being born here. We may have our short comings but it is a great nation and being part of it affords us opportunities to help others and add our mark on the world in ways many people do not so readily get. Anyway, hope everyone enjoyed their long weekend, and the people they spent it with, until next time....

I Want a Do Over

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-07-01T09:34:00-07:00

Occasionally you get to a point in life, perhaps with a relationship or with a task, and you want a do over. I find myself in such a situation right now with a few things, both relational and certain tasks that have gone unaccomplished or improperly executed. As I often say though, I am more concerned with those interpersonal type failures. Unfortunately outside of backyard games as children we do not get them.

I do not propose that we live life so calculating, so controlled by ourselves as to not ever mess up. We will never achieve anything near perfect anyway and we will have caused more damage in our attempts to do so. Here is what I do propose, and it begins with a statement, we do not get do overs in real life. You all know this. For myself it is a matter of learning from past mistakes, especially with people, with friends, and trying to avoid them and correct them in the future. I want a do over. I am not going to get one, at least not in the same capacity that I had to begin with. Even if I do not get a literal do over, a second chance would be nice, but sometimes we are not even afforded that. The toll can be great when we do not act in love to those in our lives. Lewis was on to something in the "Weight of Glory", he says that people are the only eternal parts of of our everyday life, truly that carries a great weight. I hope that even if I do not get my second chance that I learn a great lesson and am more careful with what gifts are given to me in the future.

Listening to ''You And I Will Meet Again'', by Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
and other great tracks from "Into the Great Wide Open"

...The Last

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-06-29T15:32:00-07:00

Just now, I realized that it is hard to write the last post in a month, knowing that it is going to be pushed away for next month. This month contained some progress but not as much as I hoped for. That is just how is plays sometimes, although I could have made some better decisions. So I am looking forward again, wondering where I will be and what will be true the next time I have to write the last post of a month, only July will tell.

I promise something with substance on Friday...

Apology Accepted

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-06-27T13:49:00-07:00

Originally Written on Saturday, August 14 2004 - 5:11 PM

Sometimes it is hard to win. I suppose this is really just a different way of saying a "lose-lose" situation. A specific hard to win situation comes to mind when I think of these phrases.

Let us say you feel as though you have been wronged by someone and they do not realize it, but if they did, they would be genuinely apologetic. The reason this is a lose lose is as such, upon confronting them they would apologize and you would be forced to question the other party's honesty. Very often, as humans, we do not take instant reciprocation or actions as genuine. We feel as if they cannot fully absolve the wrong because they could not have fully understood it yet. Since we know that in most cases they will apologize, it can seem pointless to even have the conversation because we know how they will answer. In other words we will already question their intent before they know there is even a reason to. You, being the person who feels hurt, will never be fully satisfied, and likely there is nothing they could ever do to quench this thirst for things to be set right. In this way it is only with a great measure of faith, hope, and love that you must learn to forgive and believe them.

Everyone Exists Always

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-06-24T18:29:00-07:00

I go through spurts of realizing and understanding certain abstract ideas. Sometimes I am aware of these ideas and other times, and more often, the ideas do not even cross my mind. One of these is the concept, the reality that everyone I know actually exists right now somewhere other than here. (I'm sure I will not represent this well, but the idea has been on my mind a lot recently.) It is interesting to me to realize this. To realize that every moment of every day every person that I have called friend is in their world as much as I am in mine. I guess sometimes I forget that there is anything beyond what I can see. Of course it is not as though I really believe or consciously think that the world is not any bigger than what is in front of me, but simply not acknowledging anything else than my world, makes it the most important. This is natural, otherwise we would never live our own lives, we would be constantly burdened with everything else happening every where at once, which would not be healthy.

I think it is easier for me to accept this when people are across the country or the world, rather than in the same city. It is strange to know someone is around everyday, every minute but unless you are invited in to their life you have not any idea what their everyday has been or is like. I suppose what I find to be beneficial is that this helps me to keep in thought and prayer the people that I love. Also it helps to realize that my reality, my world is not the reality and the world. There is more to life than my problems, short comings and desires. It is important to remember that everyone exists all the time, even when you cannot see or experience them, it is at the very least a large bit of perspective, which we all need from time to time.

Change Means Change

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-06-22T14:38:00-07:00

Often we wish that things would not stay the way they are, that they would change. After all this is a basic definition of change, to make or become different or to transform. Why is change so difficult sometimes? It feels like it is impossible with certain patterns, with a shortcoming or consistent failing, to make it different. These are moments you know well. Decisions with which a simple yes or no, or perhaps simply not deciding cost a great deal. You know them so well that you imagine change will be easy. "Next chance I get, I am going to." The next chance comes and goes and still you convince yourself that the next time I will be strong enough, have more resolve, whatever it is.

Now there are two things to say about this. You can not change very much permanently on your own, we need to rely on God first and foremost and on others as well for true encouragement and strength, and that is more than trite rubbish. Second: for something to change, something has to change. I am certain some of you are sure you knew that before you read it. We usually miss that there is more to change than the precisely isolated decision or event which we desire transformation for. It is this connection to other pieces of our lives, other decisions, which concern me. In order to change, something has to change. If you want things to be different, they cannot stay the same. A simplistic example seems in order. If you want to start eating better you cannot do it by deciding to right as you are about to make a meal, you must first shop appropriately. Let us say you want to eat less, than you may not want to make as much, it is likely if it has been prepared you will finish it. Now these are simple compared to the things we usually want to change, but you get the point. Change means change. It is foolish to believe that everything else in our lives can remain as they are, and one decision will be different. We all want something to be different than it is. I challenge you to also figure out what else needs to change in order to facilitate a real transformation, and give it a try. I am this week, and I hope to have something more to say about it soon. Take care of yourselves and each other.

The Lies of Self

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-06-20T09:30:00-07:00

Originally Written on Friday July 2 2004 - 10:18 AM (Central)

It seems that always on the heels of adoration of friends and people, who God masterfully created, comes the lies of self. It is to often for my taste a 'struggle' to keep on just being there for people without wondering where my attention, where my affection is.
"After all", the lie says, "Don't I deserve it." Ultimately this tends only to leave me upset, and not because my attention never comes, but because I cannot seem to break free of this ridiculous pattern. I let it affect how I see people and, more importantly, it intoxicates my ability to further love these people.

All I can say is that it is not what I want. Perhaps only unceasing prayer and reminders of Truth will do any bit of good in changing this pattern that I have grown very weary and tired of. I know I have very little power on my own.

"So this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but love well. Learn to love appropriately... Live a lovers life, circumspect and exemplary, a life Jesus would be proud of..."

Listening to ''Classical-The Royal Tenenbaums- Ravel - String Quartet In F Major (Second Movement)'', by Ysaye Quartet (Play Count: 4)
Listening to ''Float On'', by Modest Mouse (Play Count: 2)

People Do Win the Lotto

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-06-17T08:33:00-07:00

The other day I was thinking about scenarios where the odds are against the participants.
The lotto is the most obvious example. The chances of winning are literally millions to one, the bigger the jackpot, the slimmer the chances. I was just trying to have a reason to think that insurmountable odds are just that. As I was getting further into this way of thinking, that is, trying to apply this to other impossible odds, a little voice would not let me off with such a realistic view. "People Do Win the Lotto", it said. It is true, despite all the fantastic odds against it, people do win. Just like people build successful businesses, careers, or accomplish mental or physical tasks, all in the face of odds massively weighted against them.

Am I saying we all should start buying lotto tickets?
Of course not.

However the next time you start to feel like something is improbable or impossible remember:
People Do Win the Lotto.

It seems to me that with God for us,
in each of your owns ways,
that one in a million will be you.

p.s. - there is one set of new pictures, it is only 9, and they are not of anything in particular, just a theme that has developed in some of the subject I find myself shooting...

It Makes A Lot of Sense

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-06-15T13:18:00-07:00

"It makes a lot of sense." This seems to be all that some people need to determine whether or not something is true or worth our thought and consideration. Recently Alan and I determined that something had some elements of truth, that is some true observations but that it largely lacked any stable and reliable conclusions. In part this is because the mere elements of truthful observation of people, with no proper basis for really understanding them (i.e.- were we come from, what we are here for, the 5 big philosophical questions and answers), does nothing to actually explain the human condition and must be, because of its sandy foundation, miles away from Truth.

We had verbally expressed this, but in less articulate terms, I believe what we said was that this certain idea was "trash". It is entertaining how those who have had a hard time accepting the existence of absolute realities (these people are not necessarily abstract either by the way) get down right ticked if you seem to let on that there are absolutes. In effect calling this "trash" garnered this reaction. A reaction which went something like this, "It is not trash. It makes a lot of sense!" This argument, as it was used, is quite comical to me. As if something making sense would always mean that it is great or true. In truth many opposing ideas make sense.
For example it once made sense that since we see that birds can fly with wings , if we fashion wings for ourselves we should fly as well, many men have had this idea and gave it a shot. It also makes sense that we cannot fly on our own, especially because we have failed at attempts to do so. Now there is one piece of these that change them drastically, context. Before we knew a great deal about physics men made wings strapped to their arms and tried to flap them to take off. Now we know that we cannot do this, this is why the notion seems ridiculous even though it was only 100 years ago that men were trying to fly with homemade wings.

"It makes a lot of sense" to me that context is everything in this phrase. Unless two people can agree on the context of humanity, in this case, and who we are in relation to God and each other, than making sense will not mean the same thing to either of them. This is why it is a bad argument, it does not actually have a foundation in fact, and is in fact relative in nature. The problem is that once an argument becomes relative, which remember using this phrase essentially will always make it, than both people can be and ought to be right.

Even the murderer thinks that they make sense, even if only for moments, or they likely would not do it. The way we need to discuss and argue things should have nothing to do with the sense of it, but the deeper, foundational, and underlying truths, or lack there of.

Home

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-06-13T16:30:00-07:00

Originally Written on July 1 2004 - Thursday 9:42 AM (Central Time Zone)

We are home visiting after two months away in Californ-i-a. Last night we saw / hung out with AnneMarie and Molly Ritchie and of course Noah and Mrs. Ritchie made appearances here and there, but were just passing through.

What a great reminder of what home really means. I do believe that in some way or another the mid-west / Chicago will hold a piece of the truest thing that the word home can ever mean for myself. Alan and I found ourselves asking, What have we done without Ritchies?

The same applies to all the people we can call friends or honorary family back here. Staying with the Burns' has been amazing, they are so fun to be around, generous, and hospitable. Seeing the Gogots' and meeting Mary's grandpa hilarious. We will likely see Margaret tonight, which I am excited about.

It is a collection of experiences, history, and connections with people that make this home. Out side of facilitation it is largely unrelated to having had a house here for 20 years (5 in Schaumburg and 15 in Glendale Hts.) More importantly I think the older you grow the more you need this type of home and community a great deal more than you need merely a house. It is without this concept, without these connections that the human heart grows unsatisfied and more vulnerable to the great many lies that assault it every day.

Laughing and Leaving

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-06-10T11:28:00-07:00

We are going to the Desert for the weekend to visit our Nana and Papa, and the rest of our family out there. We are leaving sooner than I thought so there is no time for a post about anything besides that we are going and a mention of the events of yesterday. Last night we went to hang out with Whitney for the first time this summer, its good to laugh so hard your cheeks get sore. That is how I realize that I must not smile as much and laugh as much out here. Mostly because the people who I can laugh with are elsewhere, and the few people we have met out here who I would call friend, I do not get to see very often, as they are busy. The point is whenever a friend comes in to visit or we get one back for a few months, I realize how good it is is to smile and laugh until you turn red and your face hurts. It certainly is good medicine and some I could use more of, and hope to aid in the administering of some myself to others whenever possible.

Love you all, have a great weekend, enjoy the people God has given you,

Fast Food Fortune (I Guess)

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-06-08T11:04:00-07:00

Now it is time for everyone to enjoy some strange phrases you can find on hot sauce at your local Taco Bell. They are in order left to right of awesomeness.

............... ..............
...................... ...........................................

Alan and I occasionally melt down and get something from the Taco Bell.
It was wrong for them to invent the spicy chicken burrito and then only charge $1.29 for it.
While waiting for my food I was amused to find these sorts of things written on the sauces.
The hope is you find these amusing as well.

Never forget the immortal words: Think Outside the Bun,
and you will find that is exactly what you will do.
Have a great day.

Personality Is No Excuse

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-06-06T19:59:00-07:00

(I apologize for the length, I promise to return to more concise thoughts after this.
Only read this if you find the subject as interesting as I do.)

Originally Written on Wednesday, May 19 2004 - 10:05 AM

As a further exploration of the topic of dating and relationships I must dive into a concept that I have recently been confronted with. It has been brought to my attention, as an argument against my ideas / ideals, that the way I think about dating and relationships may not hold true for every person because it may be in their personality type to consistently be in a relationship. To put it in other words, that they cannot help but be dating somebody because it is they way they are wired. Of course, the additional assumption is that I am only behaving the way I do because of my personality.

At first, the only argument against this I could think of to combat this is that personality in relation to how we treat the opposite sex has a great deal more to do with pre-conditioning or nurture and is less of a fact concerning their real personality or nature. This may be true, but it is not a complete or satisfactory answer. Upon further evaluation, I found myself asking of personality, nature or nurture, so what? What difference does it make? Even, what sort of excuse is this?

Certainly any reasonable mind can understand the following,
but we certainly should be able to understand this as Jesus followers.

If we do not believe in a better way of doing things than what do we believe?

Here is an example. It may come very easily to someone, and their personality, to lash out in anger, but once they are redeemed, they should ask God for a new perspective so that instead of anger, they respond in grace and love. Let me bring this closer to the subject of relationships. Let us say that Dave has become quite the ladies man. When he goes out with a girl he always ends up spending the night. Then Dave decides to follow Jesus. It would be expected of him to change this pattern of behaviour, not only because, as most would agree, it is wrong, but more importantly that as our creator God knows how we are designed, and wants the better and best way for us within that framework. Again I say, this is no call to strip life of personality, or make everyone the same until we all drink the kool-aid, it is these ideas that allow us to truly become who we are meant to be, not the post-curse affectations we often are.

These examples are extreme, but the same is true in even the seemingly small things.
More is expected of us than mere living out of personality. Which brings me to two final points.

One, discussing personality is never the excuse, but a window into who someone is, and more often what they need to work on. In truth, the subject of personality is only the beginning of the question, not the answer. The question it should raise is who am I now and what can I see needs to change in my pursuit of God's way, the best way. (On a side note this relates directly to loving correctly, which may come more naturally to some, for most of us it does not and there is always more to learn, so we must think of and work on God's way of love.) Second, we need to always be asking and evaluating what is the best way in all things. Especially in relationships, as people and relationships are the most important, and truly the only eternal piece of our daily lives.
I challenge you to always be rethinking and asking for, and truly chasing after the very best in all things.

The California Housing Market

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-06-03T10:19:00-07:00

This is a rare thing for me, to write something about housing markets or the like, but it is recently on my mind and I am out of a period right now of thinking philosophically about things, which I cycle through sometimes. I think i just need to get out more sometimes, its when I am around people or new things I get to thinking about the strangest things, which lead to more important ideas.

Anyway, yesterday Alan, our father, and I went up to see some model homes in Calabasas. The community is called the Oaks, and it is under ten minutes from where we are now but it feels like it is a world a way because the streets are wide, the homes are new, and it is placed with amazing views of the valley and hills all round. So there are 9 models open, and as well as selling the homes for future phases, they are in the process of selling the models, as is. That means all of the upgrades and decorating and furniture, hand painted wooden beams on the cieling, the pools, the fountains, fully integrated lighting controls and temperature, and home theaters in some cases. As well as all the appliances, such as the fridges, wine coolers, etc. As it goes allot of the homes were nice but there was one that was perfect, the layout, the size, not to big, but not small. It had a theatre and courtyard, the decorating was amazing and the furniture not cheap. Anyway, the price for this 4500 sq. ft. model as is, 2.7 Million.

Now to you IL readers this sounds like a fortune. Its time for a CA housing Market education. My parents were looking at houses in Burbank, the average home there is 1100 sq. ft. and was built in the 50's often with no updating or remodeling. Drum roll please......these 1100 sq. ft. homes sell for nearly $700,000. Now if you do the math between the two houses, the fully furnished, 4500 sq. ft., pool, low e glass, upgraded everything, floor, paint jobs, counter tops, verses the 1100 sq. ft. 50's house, with old windows(not good for energy costs), old pipes(health risk), old carpet, no furniture, no appliances, etc., you get a nasty picture. If you do the math, the Burbank house is actually a bit more expensive, you see, the burbank house is nearly 640$ per sq. foot, and the Oaks house is $600 approx., which is a better deal without any furniture, but it is fully furnished and decorated.

The fascinating moral is that it is actually more expensive to buy the Burbank house, it only costs more money to get the Oaks house. Its ironic to me that it is more "material", that is a bigger waste of resources to buy the cheaper house, and once you add up the cost differential when you have to fix the old house up, get it re-piped and change the windows, update the air conditioning to energy star standards, it will not even be close. The final killer is that the new one is the better investment, it will appreciate in value quicker. Suffice to say if we had the money/income to do it we would have bought the house yesterday. Maybe in two years I suppose, for now it does not look good. I wonder though, the house we are renting now is 1700 sq. ft. which is 1000 less than our house in IL, where are we going to fit everyone and thing in an 1100 sq. ft. house, welcome to Los Angeles.

p.s.-i hope that was at least a education about an area many of you may not be familiar with, housing in general or what the market for houses is like in other high profile areas of the country. i dont mean it to be a depressing tale either, although it slightly is, it is just reality here.

The First...

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-06-01T10:25:00-07:00

Look at that number 1.
It says allot about this day.
To me there is promise in it.

What will I learn this month?
Where will I be when it is over?
What will have changed, what is the same?

I really feel like I do not know,
...................and that is exciting.
My only wish is that it does not
zip by so fast that I do not have
time to enjoy the moments,
or even notice them as they occur.

Sometimes you can feel that a period of time has gravity,
that it will be important in very many regards.
This month is one of them.
Today is the first.

Love Bigger Than Feelings

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-05-30T11:29:00-07:00

Originally Written on Saturday February the 18th 2005 - 11:59 AM

When one says "I love you" they believe that they are assigning a context within it toward the person they address. For example, the friend thinks they are saying I love you as a friend loves. The lover believes that they are describing the romantic feelings they hold toward the person. Of course it is only seen as it is intended if the same feeling is reciprocal. I do not believe either is true. When we claim we love someone it ought to and often truly is the same statement no matter who it is directed towards.

"I love you", means I care about who you are, what you are interested in, what you do, etc.
"I love you", means no matter what you may do, whether you will always love me or not back,
I will you, because it forgives more often than it offends or is offended.

Indeed this should be the same intention toward everyone whom we address with this phrase. The associative feeling of friendship or romance that is tied with it is merely that, a feeling. This feeling may define a relationship, but it should not define how those in it love. If we understand this, and absolutely apply the same kind of love to those we do love it will vastly change how we act in love towards those people. This is what we must realize, the principle to love is the same in regards for us to everyone, what changes is who that person is to us, friend or "lover". It is also important to add that the manner of our love should be consistent and the same, but not the specific ways that love is delivered. This is not a call to strip life of personality and colour, but a call to love without merit, and love whether or not there is feeling to go with it. This is why it is important to understand what we are saying when we say "I love you", that it is bigger than the feelings that may be associated with saying it and that the manner of our love should not be defined by those feelings. We should strive to love as we have been loved, a love bigger than feeling. It is in this way in which feelings far stronger and less fickle than we have experienced ever before will grow.

Listening to ''Into The Great Wide Open'', by Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers (Play Count: 3)
Listening to ''Grew Up Fast'', by Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers (Play Count: 8)

New Film Scans

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-05-27T07:40:00-07:00

We just scanned in a bunch of our 35 mm film prints from over the last year.
Right now we have posted all of the pictures of friends,
Check it out under photos and then click friends.

We will be adding new albums over time,
for now though take a look at these.

Have a great Memorial Day weekend!

The World of Possibility

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-05-25T13:19:00-07:00

To steal an idea from the television show "Ed", the world of possibility. The difference between what is and what should be. How true a concept. We all know in some way or another that things in this world are under a curse. Much like the winter falling over Narnia. Not as they should be. We see it every day in death or pain, in parents who mistreat their children or children being born with no parents. It has seeped in to every crack of our lives.

It is important to stay in touch with the world of possibility. To be aware of how things are and how they truly should be. If we loose sight of this, we loose hope and ideals. Also it is through realizing this that we can strive for what should be, warring against the things that already are that are not right, and then we will be ready to see those very special times.

Those times when what is and what should be cross paths and meet.
It is these moments that give us a taste of heaven and what awaits God's beloved children.

Listening to ''You And I Will Meet Again'', by Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers (Play Count: 8)
Listening to ''It'll All Work Out'', by Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers (Play Count: 9)

Do you "like" her? : A Further Thought

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-05-23T13:01:00-07:00

(Two definitions before you begin; one, like, infatuation, and "in love" in quotations are different words for the same thing, two, I believe in romance and being in love and all the amazing things God set up in us around these things, I just believe that the movie/television/music version we are fed and even some of our instincts are missing what is truly offered and what was truly intended, but that is weeks worth of posts.)

(Also read this only after you have read the entry Total Recoil)

Originally Written July 22, 2004 - 9:43 AM

One further thought on this concept of liking and dating people; as I evaluated particularly why a girl would recoil upon the notion that their friend or an other person liked them, I realized this commonly is due to a fear that the boy's actions have now been tainted. They think that what he does now cannot be trusted as genuine care or love, or even further, that all of his actions are some how adding up to the goal of moving to the next level of relationship. This frightens them even more if they feel like they have had this honesty or genuine care or love before.

How is it tainted? What is the manner of the change?

I would argue that they now feel as though every action is driven not by choice, but by a subconscious desire and effort to manipulate love. They believe that the boy is no longer to be trusted as they are motivated more by reflex than active participation. If it is not this, than I cannot figure out what then it is, in other words, what else could be the problem with someone "liking" another, it is not offensive on any other level. This, I think, most could agree on. Certainly there are cases, I should add, where behavior does cross a line, but this is usually a matter of appropriateness, not a perspective shift on all actions.

I find something about this curious. They have accidently admitted that love by choice, not mere infatuation, is what they desire. The problem is that, when someone else comes along that they share this common infatuation or "like" for, they are content with it, and all of its gross simplicities. They do not realize that it is the same thing they once despised in an other, the difference is now they cannot see it. They are blinded to the realities in the same way they once feared that someone else was toward them.

Somewhere in this story of two people equally infatuated with each other there is something sad. The infatuation version of "in love" will always die, and very often they will not know that the choice to really love exists until it is to late in the relationship and so they move onto the next person until again their "love" seemingly fades.

This is not at all a lesson on how one can react in these situations, even though that lesson can be imbedded, but it is just an interesting observation on how people behave, and what it in turn reveals.

The Conveyor Belt

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-05-20T10:59:00-07:00

This is how Alan describes the California highway system. At night when we are coming home from Orange county, and there is no traffic, we usually go about 70 MPH, making interchanges and all, for the whole 50 minute drive home. He is right. It does feel much like being on a conveyor belt, plopped onto one end until you arrive at your destination and then you hop off there.

Neither of us like this feeling very much.
As if you have no choice, only routine.
Point a to point b, with no acknowledgment of all the things in between.

This is why we often get off at Ventura Blvd. or Melrose and drive through hollywood/beverly hills, or down the never ending strip that is the boulevard. This way we can slow down, and actually enjoy the life and scenes in between the two points. It is a small difference, and it does take more time to get home, but it is worth it.

We all have our conveyor belts,
if you can figure out what yours is,
consider getting off of it every once in a while.

Paint Wisely

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-05-18T10:02:00-07:00

One of my favorite things to do, which I did not get to do very often, is go to the art institute. Walking around those galleries, seeing what the hands and imaginations of others could bring to life on a canvas. Most everything there in some way or another is beautifully crafted. Painted with attention to detail, brought to life and then finessed through every resulting stroke.

I am trying to see people and life for the gallery of art that it is. Every person has something that makes them themselves, and that something was crafted in much the same way a foundation of a painting is. Sketched on to canvas in the womb, given form, ready to be filled in and given its colour and life. Maybe this is a stretch, no art pun intended, but every person we come into contact with has something to offer as a work of divine art. Every person has those things that are worth admiring and give us glimpses of the painter. Often we miss these things until someone has already passed through our life. These things are as simple as the quite literally beautiful. The color in a persons eyes, or the way they can cheer people up with a smile, the things of physiology. Also, and more so, since it affects how we view the physical, who they are. A persons desire for truth, or longing to help those underdogs in the world. Traits of personality so varying yet so necessary, the pieces of the whole picture which make sure that no remote corner is empty.

There is one difference from an art museum. If I were to go around and paint on the pieces hanging on the walls, I would swiftly be arrested and certainly would owe money or be prosecuted. Every human work of art we experience we add our own touches to. It seems almost a mistake that this is allowed. Look around though, think of the strokes you have added to those in your life. Some people do not look so much like the original anymore. They are broken and disfigured. They grow up in homes with alcoholics or maybe it is just that their husbands will not actively seek them. Slowly they start to change, with every brush stroke coloring who they are. We all have some of these careless brush strokes. Then there are others who have become much more. The amount of detail and nuance is obvious, whoever has added to this work really cared, whether other people or God. There is hope for those who have been disfigured, the best parts of who they are painted over with black. God will fully restore them one day. I have in my mind an image of a master restoration artist, taking off years of dirt and fixing the cracks in paint and canvas, careful to not miss a single imperfection, always knowing what is needed next. Some of us he will use to start this work now. To start to bring his prized works back to how they were originally made.

Start to look for the beautiful art in those people which are put in your life,
and be aware that not only are we each works of God,
but he has given each of us a brush, and some instructions on technique...

Paint wisely.

Listening to ''Let it Ride'', by Ryan Adams & The Cardinals (Play Count: 4)

Total Recoil

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-05-16T10:34:00-07:00

Originally Written July 19, 2004 - 10:14 PM

Have you ever noticed that when a boy or girl thinks that someone likes them as "more than merely a friend" they tend to try and remove themselves from the relationship in order to throw water on this perceived fire that is a risk to the status quo?

Just a thought. Has it ever occurred to the boy or girl recoiling in a relationship, once they believe that it has been comprised by the other person "liking" them, that the act of recoiling may often provide a different than desired effect. Thinking further of this notion of removal or withdrawal as a means of dispelling the notion of the like or love, it seems to me that it prevents the intended effect from ever getting its already weak wings off of the ground. You see, the person who has caused this reaction will undoubtedly notice this unhealthy turn. Initially it would seem that this sort of behavior works. Unfortunately, this does not make the person who has experienced the withdrawal forget about the other person. For a time they will be an even greater subject of thought and concern as the person wonders what happened to their friend. As one might expect eventually this behavior will not merely stop the other person from "liking" them, it will produce contempt. In part this is due to the extra time they feel they wasted worrying about the other person, and then because they feel betrayed that someone they admired could treat them or anyone in such a way. It is upon this reaction that the seeming desired effect is had, but at a cost greater than anticipated. For it is now the person who once "liked", who dislikes or even despises the other. It is this side effect, this damage that is often, gravely so, irreversible and un-forseen. Here is my point. Think twice on how you react to people. Make sure that what you do, is really what you want to do, who you want to be, and is in line then with the decisions you make.

How should one behave if someone likes you and you do not them in that way?
Wait it out as a friend. You have nothing to lose. I promise they will not trick you into dating them. At the least you will not have contributed to hurting someone, and likely in the end you will have a friend who you can laugh about the situation with in a few years. It may not be easy, but it is always better to err on the side of loving behavior, not mere instinctual idiocy.

p.s. - Next Monday will be one further continuation on these thoughts of relationships, friends and love. I think that next weeks idea is deeper and actually quite a bit more interesting. Also I apologize for the title, it was so bad I had to use it. (Like total recall the film a few yers back)

Hello Readers

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-05-13T10:01:00-07:00

I had an entry all thought through for today, this was yesterday morning when the idea dawned on me, but I failed to commit it effectively to memory and now have not a clue what I wanted to write about.

I do want to say hello to those of you who check this occasionally and read it.

Thank you for doing so. It means a lot to me.

If you would like to write anything in the comments of this entry, just to say that you visited or give any feedback about the blog, that would be a fun use of an entry. Sort of a talk back / guest book type thing. It does not matter if we know you are not if you have found this link from somewhere else, or if we have not talked in a while.

We are going to the beach for the first time this season. This is very exciting.
Plus this year we have boogie boards, so we get to try those out.

Anyway, maybe I will remember what I was going to write and get it ready for next week.
Its probably better anyway, I think I needed to just speak as me and not someone writing out philosophy, that way it makes this whole thing a bit more human and less like a book, and to give those of you who do read this a break from my over active brain.

Have a great weekend!

Nothing To Lose/The Shadowlands

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-05-11T10:38:00-07:00

Listening to ''Lyla'', by Oasis (Play Count: 2)
Listening to ''Blue Orchid'', by The White Stripes (Play Count: 2)

How do we properly evaluate risk?

We are taught that we should weigh the pro's and con's and then see which way the scale tips and judge based on which side is heavier. Another way of putting, in terms of investing, does the chance or size of the reward outweigh the risk.

It seems often what we miss is that both sides need legitimate reasons. Let me explain.
Recently I realized that I tend to look at a situation and in reality there is only an upside, but I cannot act on it. I cannot take the risk. There are no drawbacks. There is, however, my overactive imagination, insecurities and fears. I am not finding that the risk is to great, I find that my own self interests are to strong. This is true for me in relationships, the stock market, and in music. I take the easiest path, the road with no hill in the middle of it. I never have to really do much, but I never can look out from the top and enjoy the view.

I can live with not being a success at music and at the stock market because of this.
I cannot live with it when it comes to relationships. This is why I even write this now.
I am growing tired of irrational selfish thoughts controlling my days. Certainly I go through phases as anyone does but there is room for permanent growth. These fears are incredibly powerful, some built up after years of training, and practice. Fears that stem from 6th grade to the end of high school. Trained to walk fine lines, careful not to step over the psychological lines and barriers. Here is a basic one, rejection. Fear that investing to much will leave to much of my real self to be said no to. This is ridiculous though. It should not matter if I face the chance of rejection, especially when it inhibits my ability to love and be a friend.

Of course I have made progress in life. Most people do, and I am a far different person than I was in 6th grade or in high school. Here is the real problem, and the real frustration. I am constantly upgrading my minimum. Figuring out what is within reason, instead of living truly and boldly, from who I am and where I am going, I choose three steps ago or what I learned last year. It is progressive compared to where I was once upon a time, but for where I am now it is just sad. So I wait until someone is a close friend to really start to love them how we are called to, and then with those who are already close I keep a nice status quo, only investing more when it seems it is absolutely necessary. That is not truly loving, and it certainly cannot be described as anything beyond ordinary. This is the worst part, there is nothing to lose. It is a promise I believe in to my core. That the reward of the investment is not even comparable to the risk of self. After all this is what I am after, getting to a place where I am no longer so concerned with myself, but I am deeply linked with the concerns of others. Where my desires for self preservation, for being seen as normal, are outweighed greatly in the scales of my heart by the desire to see the wants and needs of those around me filled. To see that others are growing and coming to more life. It is when we live like this that there is nothing to lose, nothing to lose but ourselves, which is a price that I am honored and willing to pay. The first step is taking the first step, headed in the only direction that I know I can.

No One Deserves Love

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-05-09T09:45:00-07:00

Originally written on Monday - July 19, 2004 9:21 AM

There is a tendency among friends to discuss the problems of those within their common circle. There is, of course, often a benefit to this. Discussing flaws and weaknesses of a person can help in loving them and forgiving them for where they fall short. It is not automatically merely gossip as the taboo christian mindset would have one think. Especially as gossip is usually rumoured to be true, not known to be and is discussed not among friends but among acquaintances. There is one problem I have observed though, and the line between this common mindset and the proper is finer than that of many other issues. This is because it boils down to one of the most basic human fights. The problem is that we often take into account the faults of the person as merit for how much friendship or love they deserve. We base this on what we find admirable in them or what we find to be monstrous about them. It is all to easy a mistake to make, it is very easy to find ourselves doing this, and it is likely we all have. Think about it, I know I have been in situations where I have thought or heard others say, "because of this fault of theirs, because they tend not to verbally show appreciation," lets say, "I cannot be friends with them like I used to be anymore." or ironically, "They are so self minded that my needs are not being met."

The only answer is to keep our eyes open and hearts pliable toward any person. It occurs to me on thinking of this further that not one of us are deserving of love. Love in its truest form is always full of grace and forgiveness, it has to be to work, otherwise, we cannot love and will not be loved. We should then extend the grace of love we have received to those who are in our lives. Now for an unpopular idea. If you feel you have not been loved, I am sorry, but it is all the more reason to extend love, if you are capable, to those around you. You know what the absence of love from others feels like, and although you should not do it for this reason, I promise that the return ultimately always exceeds the investment.

Let us love then without ceasing, or put up a fight to at least try.
Most of all, let us love people in spite of their faults, and even love because of them.

Listening to ''Champagne Supernova'', covered by Matt Pond PA (Play Count: 4)

At the Mall

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-05-06T09:04:00-07:00

Yesterday Alan and I were at the mall in Northridge to get DVD's from the Apple store. Malls are fantastic for people watching, which is my classic phrase to describe the act of observing human behavior. We were only there for a short time, and we were just walking through to the store and back out to the car. On our way back through the mall we passed this girl, she could not have been much older or younger than us. She was sitting at her kiosk slouched over a little bit, listening to music on headphones, and she just watched Alan and I passed, like literally turned her head and watched. I realize it sounds like she could have been creepy but it is not one of those stories. She did look beat though. Totally beat by life. Like the only thing she did was sit at that kiosk, selling cheap necklaces. In my estimation, there was a deep sadness in her face and eyes. Alan and I talked about it almost the whole way to the car, because it shook us. You see, this young woman would have been quite attractive, if she had been smiling. If she had a heart that was truly alive, and the posture of a woman who knows what she is worth. If because of these things she sat there waiting to see what the day would bring her, ready to offer herself, even if it was only at a kiosk in a mall. This was not the case, and to see this was upsetting. It is evidence of a world not right. Proof that redemption is real, and on the flip side so is hurt, pain, and all those little cuts that tear at our hearts every day.

I guess why I am writing this is that for at least the moments when we saw this person, she was not pretending. Most people know the hurt and pain, and know on their own they cannot truly put a dent in it, so they bury it, they hide it away. They laugh, dress up and flirt constantly. It is just something to think about. If we can notice the damage around us, even among the great actors, we can pray for and look for ways to help toward the healing. After all, if you cannot even tell where someone is cut, you will never be able to stop the bleeding and sew them up.

Listening to ''Galleria'', by Phantom Planet (Play Count: 4)
Listening to ''At the Mall'', by Pansy Division (Play Count: 1)

Dear ________,

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-05-04T10:51:00-07:00

Dear - adj 1: dearly loved 2: with or in a close or intimate relationship

A simple thought. Whenever I used to write a letter I would put dear before the recipients name because it is the letter writing custom of our society. One day I stopped after writing this and thought of what it really meant, what it truly implied, and wanted a specific definition, so I looked it up and found the above. I still write it most of the time.
Knowing what it really means has changed how I view the person I am writing to, because in writing this I am saying that they are dearly loved, and if I am to write this I want to work toward having this spirit in life and in action as well as in letter introductions.

Dearly Loved.
Think of what this really means.
Prized. Respected. Honored. Worth a great deal.
Another way of using dear is as in costly, or expensive.
You keep things that are costly close and protected.
Friends and people are the same way, to be treasured.

Look up some of these other words and let the meanings sink in deep.

Would it not be grand if we understood what this really means the next time we write it
and start to live as though the person we are addressing is actively dearly loved and cherished.

New Pictures

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-05-03T09:45:00-07:00

A quick mention that there a a few new pictures at the end of the Kite Flying Etc.
There are several pictures of flowers around our front yard and house
and pictures of deck cleaning and dinner outside.
They are definitely worth appreciating, the flowers that is.

The Road Less Traveled

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-05-02T10:36:00-07:00

Originally written on Thursday June 24 2004 - 10:04 PM

As I was watching footage tonight from our trip out to CA I realized something about the way most of us view life and God. When things do not go exactly the way we planned or our way, we choose to believe that it is taking the road less traveled and imagine that in this we are completing God's will. The problem is that this is reactionary living. Instead of actively pursuing God's will and what we know we should do, we let the chips fall where they may and then call the disappointing outcome divinity. After all, God wants us to do what he wants, which must be depressing and unnecessarily difficult. We are talking about a God who won't even let us have fun, who keeps us from doing anything we want.

I wonder which Bible people read.
I wonder who this Jesus people claim to know is, who seems more law maker than life giver.

The very real Jesus wants us to do his will, which is to live out what we were created for. When we do this we will never have to blame our disappointment on the straight and narrow. No one thinks that it will be easy, but we have missed or not taken seriously the promise that no man can imagine what God is weaving together for us. Maybe the road less traveled is also the idea least naturally thought of. It is becoming who we were truly meant to be and heading towards that everyday, knowing that we are loved extravagantly and given life, and because of this we return it in kind to God and those around us.

"Lets Go Fly a Kite"

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-04-29T09:10:00-07:00

Listening to ''Do You Belive In Magic'', by The Lovin' Spoonful
and ''Summer in the City'', by The Lovin' Spoonful.

I have a confession to make. I bought a kite. After about a year of threats like, "just you wait and see, I will buy a kite!" and "oh yea, you won't be laughing so hard when I have a kite!", I did it. Now the reason I am confessing this is that Alan wants to post new pictures of an afternoon where the kite was flown, so I thought I would write about the kite flying. I was trying to think of some life lesson that I could somehow draw from the experience, some way it could be a great analogy, I have nothing, not at least anything that would not be quite a great stretch. Instead you can hear the week of kite flying in review.

I ordered the kite from coastalkites.com, it is a parafoil kite ( parafoil 2 on the site ) which when folded up fits snugly in ones pocket, which is great for me because I want to fly the kite with minimal obtrusiveness as I walk around with it before and after the flying. The day after it arrives we go out and get it in the air. I must say it is quite lethargically therapeutic, especially after a day of watching numbers on a screen. We get it out maybe 75 feet, fly it for 20 minutes, it is fun as well because it does take allot of work but you do have help it out sometimes if wind dies or is to strong. If you do not let it out when wind is strong it will get tossed and do all sorts of crazy stuff, which is exciting but not good for stability after a while. If it gets to weak you have to bring it in or tug the line a few times to get some resistance and wind into the foils. Anyway, this kite comes with 500ft of line, so you can imagine that we would soon become bored with 75 ft. A few days later, we take the kite out again, the wind is strong and even, we float it out farther, the 12 foot tails become quite tiny, we wonder how far out we got it, so when we get back inside I begin to measure. 195 ft. This is the afternoon when the pictures are from. This was quite an achievement I thought. I made a bet to myself that I could be happy with that for a while. I lost. The next time we went out the wind was perfect, solid, strong and it seemed to naturally take the kite out with every gust, which is what you want. At first we got it out past where I marked the line, must have been at around 350 ft. Alan went down the hill to see how far away it looked and then we switched. Upon arriving back we decided that the wind was strong enough and that there was so little line left that we might as well let it all out. 500 ft. Those 12 foot tails now look like they were the size of the top third of a finger, which of course we stood arms out, measuring. It is a little bit of blur now, I think I may have gone over to see how far it looked at this distance, or something, but knowing how long it would take to bring in 500 ft. on a 3 inch. spool with no winder, Alan started to take it in. All of a sudden, wind dies on ground / hill level. We were in luck it seemed, the wind up at the kite was still going strong. Well that did not last long. The kite fell straight out of the sky at around 425 ft. out. I had to pull in the line, which created a big fake knot, no real loops tied but still a pain. Alan went to make sure it was not in someone's back yard at the bottom of the hill. We got the kite back and then spent two days trying to untangle the line, ended up having to cut some of it, which may good if it prevents us from trying to break distance records in the future.

In the end, I give kite flying a thumbs up. Sometimes it is those activities that we have not done since we were children that make the best fun when we are not supposed to be anymore. I never want to be bored with a sunset, vanilla ice cream on a cone from McDonalds, or looking out the car window at mountains through a pass, it is these tiny things that keep us in awe of the world God made for us, and then, who He is.

Inflation

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-04-27T10:17:00-07:00

Listening to ''Homesick'', by Kings Of Convenience
Listening to ''Walk on the Ocean'', by Toad The Wet Sprocket

Now this is not inflation of currency I am referring to. It is the inflation of ideas and wants in our society, particularly the more primal and instinctual which most intelligent persons would agree ought not be followed without moderation and balance. Just like a child eating to much candy. He does not stop and evaluate the action and consequence of candy eating, and so he does it until he is sick. The unfortunate truth is that most society has aged but not grown up, not learned that we ought not follow these unfettered desires. The only difference is we have graduated from sweets to sex, and alcohol. From trying to get a toy we want from another on the playground to treating those hearts of the people around us the in same way we would a toy, using it until our fancy runs thin. The worst part is that our society feeds this, and has told us that self is most important. Feeling good about ourselves and getting what we want is most important and that we should never have to settle. We have inflated our own desires and now, now they have become far to costly. To often our wants are bought at the expense of others. Look around, watch an afternoon talk show, you will see a trail of lives damaged by this inflation. I wonder when we will learn that it is not worth it.

P.S. - There are answers to these questions, but sometimes I'd rather raise questions with out giving them an answer This is the case with this thought, it is to think about, but know that there is no desperation in the lies of common thought, because there is freedom in the Truth. Oh yea and Ryan it is true you have played an important role in our development as people, thanks for trying to learn to play the guitar around 8th grade and Fresh year and thanks for commenting I would love to see comments used more.

The Flexing of Intellect

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-04-25T09:32:00-07:00

Listening to ''Redemption's Son'', by Joseph Arthur (the song on the album)

--- This is not one of my better thoughts, but I recently was feeling like I wanted to be the one to help someone out, help in the philosophical/truth part of life. When someone else helps someone along the way in life who is a friend of mine I am happy for the truth they get to hear, but part of me is far to upset that it was not me who helped. So I was reading through old ideas for this monday and this shot off the page, because I wrote it a year ago and most likely it will be written to me for years to come.

Originally written Friday, June 11 , 2004...

It has occurred to me that as humans we spend allot of time trying to prove what we believe to be true of ourselves, true of our character and intelligence. This is a strange thing to do. It really has no place except as a part of pride. It is a waste of our time and it can devour us as a constant worry. "Do people ever notice who I am? Well I better make sure they do."

To put it simply let us use an example: often I find myself wanting to prove I'm right and in the rightness, smart and/or wise. My attempts to do so seem to often put people off to what I am saying and off to me as a person. They may not know it but I believe they are reacting to this exercise in ego and the reaction is to not feed the ego. They certainly neither add anything to or validate my smartness or wiseness, if I have any, and they never could how I want anyway. If you are talented you do not have to prove it to make it true. If you are a smart and wise person, no amount of people knowing or not will make it true or not. If you are a brilliant musician or painter, no amount of people thinking you are will change the truth of it or validate it either. The question then becomes, is there worth in the instances we behave in this way. It does not change the facts, and it may hurt our chances of being received well. I ought to refrain from such petty flexing of intellect.

How Am I Not Myself?

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-04-22T09:12:00-07:00

Listening to ''Sway'', by The Perishers (Play Count: 22)

There are days when it seems like a curse that we are ourselves. We wonder if we are destined to make the same poor decisions or hurt people the same way for the rest of our days on this earth. There isn't anything any person could say that would likely make a difference, we are convinced, sold on the idea. Even thinking this way about ourselves reaffirms it. "Why can't I ever get over this? Why do I always pity myself?" We are either not smart enough or to smart. We don't risk enough and when we do it is the wrong place or time for it. We aren't pretty or handsome enough, not really a flip side to that one. All the while we believe the people around us are doing fine, they have it together, and even if they do not, its not like they are me, or they'd be screwed too. You know what the real killer is, in some fashion it is all true. I have no cute remedy, no sunday school pep talk. Just this thought. It has been said of God that nothing can separate us from his love for us. Not men, not angels or demons, life or death, not anything we can imagine or anything that has not yet been thought of by men.

Nothing.

What have we missed?

Freedom

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-04-20T10:52:00-07:00

Listening to ''Feel Good Inc.'', by Gorillaz (Play Count: 8)
and getting a second straight mention in Annemarie's livejournal does make me feel special.

Freedom is vastly misunderstood in our society. Part of this comes from the American ideal of freedom. We live in a land where we should be able to do what ever we want as long as it "does not hurt other people", and even that can have some scary definitions. I believe that part of the disfunction also comes from human nature. We want to act on everything we desire. It is in large part how we are built, with desires, but because of the state of human affairs often these desires are not healthy for us or those around us. Here is the problem, we believe freedom is saying yes, and in effect doing whatever we wish, whatever we want. This is not true freedom. True freedom is half saying yes and half saying no. If we constantly give in to every feeling and thought than we are in fact slaves to our selves. We all in some way realize this, for example, if we want to drive a car off the road just to see what it is like, we will not, knowing the damage it will cause. This example is to obvious though. To often it is not so easy. Our better judgement takes a back seat as our insticts take us down roads we may have once thought an impossibility to find ourselves on. For most the giving in, the saying yes to nearly everything, comes in relationships, it comes in food, in lust and sex, in drug use, in our choice of words, in anything we feel entitled to, you get the picture. I would argue that we have rightfully learned that freedom should have a desired place in our living. This is the sad part, that I and so many others live no where near true freedom. I am to taken in by what I think choices will offer, and to ready to agree and say yes, and not ready enough to also say no.

There is one other great mystery to freedom, true freedom. Yes, it is true we must learn to say no to desires that are not good, to instincts that would have us living by some spur of the moment, religion of self-fulfillment, but there is a deeper mystery in this. Freedom in its best form, in the truest sense of it, is one of the few ideas in life, that when properly executed, you will be able truly to do whatever you want but will not even desire to anymore. This is the goal, such a perspective shift that our hearts change, and by God's grace they do and will change.

May true freedom find its way into every one of our lives, so that we are no longer a slave to any idea or person, including self, but are free in the one who made us.

Missing the Moment

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-04-18T09:43:00-07:00

Listening to ''Legendary'', by Lou Barlow (Play Count: 2)

Originally written on Thursday, July 15 2004 at 9:04 PM.

It has occurred to me that, as I have grown older, I more quickly realize and want to remember past moments that I have grown fond of. Which is to say that the people or places of past seasons come to a place of fondness sooner than they once did. These are the past moments which we wish we could return to presently. I used to find that it took two or three autumns to find an experience from two or three years ago memorable. Right now I find myself missing last fall. Which is what got me to thinking about what has changed with age, that I now take less time to realize that I miss a period of time. It seems with age comes the realization that we do not have forever to live and that good things are due to not last, so we would be wise to appreciate the past sooner. Upon thinking of this, I realized something rather obvious, but an idea with strong implications. Each past memory was at one point the present. I did not realize what a gift a moment was until it was separated by an amount of time and then removed from it. I was simply to wrapped up in myself to grasp what was happening in the present. We are constantly living in the present and putting it to rest as the past. I wonder then, as you read this, what present moments you will one day wish were still now. Perhaps we should be looking for such moments as they occur. There is certainly a place for the longing of things past, but there is a risk if we never look for the moments as they occur, to waiting only until they are history. We risk never truly appreciating the people, places, and experiences God is giving to us now. It is the difference between living with our eyes open, or merely being a passenger. We may not able to change certain difficulties but are able to pick an attitude in response. By recognizing these moments then, as they happen around us, we can admire/thank God, and better love and cherish our friends and family. Than how much sweeter will it be in memory, having at the time realized truly what a gift the moments of life are.

Summer is Upon Us

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-04-15T17:25:00-07:00

You can tell summer is on its way when all you can do for two hours in the afternoon is fall asleep on the floor. You may have to go to the bathroom, want to play guitar, work on writing a song, or a blog entry, but all these wants aside, the 80+ degree house temp keeps you sleeping in the exact same place. Alan and I agreed that it is important for us to begin to make decent money, if only so that we can pay for what has been deemed outrageous energy costs. It could be the difference between having a stale or productive summer. I would rather like to have the chance to retain those couple of hours every afternoon when we need to be working on music and other worthwhile aims. The floor will do just fine with our absence, and as long as it is not 80+ degrees in here I will not miss it either.

Listening to ''Come on in My Kitchen'', by Chris Thomas King (Play Count: 5)
Listening to ''Trouble Will Soon Be Over'', by Chris Thomas King

On Hearing From God

joel@rosewoodat5th.com — 2005-04-14T23:01:00-07:00

Listening to ''Baby Britain'', by Elliott Smith (Play Count: 19)

It can be difficult to know what we should do in a situation. Sometimes we feel as though the answer is clear, only to find, when faced directly with the question, that it is not so great. I find myself in this sort of situation currently. What I am trying to figure out is if my gut feeling is better than what my brain often convinces me of. It comes down to figuring out if God speaks to our heart, when we are in prayer and following after him, or if he gives us the set of ideas that will lead us to the correct decision. Perhaps it is often a combination of both. I tend to side with the heart, and figure that there is more leading there than in the realm of knowledge. I suppose we have brains to check what it is the heart says to do against who we are, and who God is, and who we are in God. If we can find no dispute, than we should side with the heart, and I also suppose it is what I will do, as well as continue to seek guidance.

In the end, it is not that either version of what to do could even be categorized as wrong, but often times the difference is large. What my brain tells me is the safest answer. The problem is often that the safe response is not the best one, it is not wrong, but it is not the best, especially when someone else's heart can be on the line.

Now I must look forward to tomorrow by heading to get sleep, and pray that in light of the morning more clarity will be gained, and rest in knowing with my heart that I cannot surprise God and he will not let me go.