WE KNOW NOTHING OF LOVE
04/27/05 10:26 PM
I'm just pretty good at pretending. |
Independence, eBay, and Color Screens
04/27/05 01:36 PM
Interesting title not much content.
Today in History:
04/27 Louis Victor de Broglie born, 1774, physicist
04/27 Magellan killed in Philippines, 1521
04/27 Independence Day in Togo
04/27* Omer 30th day
04/27* Parashat Emor
04/27 Freedom Day in South Africa
Response
04/20/05 07:30 PM
This is a response to my moms reaction to the blog entry from April 8th.Mom I am not trying to convince you that I love you or respect you, because I could make that case, and it wouldn't matter, if you don't want to believe it.
Calling me a coward and claiming that I am living a lie seem like a little much to pull out of that blog entry. I am not living any lies, to respect someone doesn't mean that you don't question them, I can respect you and ask these questions at the same time. I can love you and ask these questions at the same time. I am not living a lie either as proofed by the date, this was on April 8th, and I said I have trouble loving my family which I explained two nights ago as well. That in the end is the whole point of that blog entry, it is expounding on the idea that I have these concerns for you and dad, but cannot love you enough to help change them.
I acknowledge in the blog that I do not have it all figured out, I said that I am praying about these things, showing that I understand my need for a higher power than me. These thoughts are genuine concern not hopeless desolation and anger towards you and dad. When I said there is not much I can do on my own I am saying that I want to do something, whether or not I have the power to do it. I am not simply angry, or angry at all, I am sad that life isn't as open and free as it was meant to be for you and dad.
The presupposition that my blog entry of April the 8th is vitriolic is false. For instance in the paragraph cited in your response you quote the beginning of the sentence "At times I wonder...". If I was truly angry or am so convinced of your depravity, I would not wonder at times, I would say I always think that. This brings me to why the whole blog entry is not a spiteful address but rather a thought process written out. The statements were not concrete like an encyclopedia, but were frustrations, not pent up feelings.
The whole language of the blog entry lends itself to this being a reality, when I said "It is hard not to think 'why are you complaining ...'" or "It is hard to become a man..." I wasn't saying "I always think 'why are you complaining'" or "I cannot become a man...". What I am trying to do is get you to see the way it was written, so that you can understand it isn't angry, but questioning.
It is because I respect you and dad that I ask these questions, who would ask such things about someone they don't respect or care for. If you don't respect someone you could care less what they do in/with their lives. It also disturbs me that you would question my faith, asking how I am even a christian. I never questioned your salvation, I only said sometimes I wonder why you are a christian. Which is a valid question.
In relation to the money comments, I never said that you and dad don't pay for a lot of things, I am grateful for all you give to us, what I was thinking about was the attitude towards the things you pay for as being a burden or caring about the possessions themselves to much. Having financial responsibilities doesn't absolve you from your attitude about money, it is a gift from God, it can be given, and taken away, and it will not change your soul.
I do not have to admit that you and dad helped me with my bike trip or that you are a christian, because I never said you didn't follow God in relation to my bike trip, and I never said you were not christians. There are various levels of christian and we are all in a separate place on the road.
The reason this is on the internet is so my friends can read it, as we all discuss things we want to learn from our parents weaknesses, or past mistakes. I also wrote this out so that it could be seen and I could think it without being judged, and not listened to. My friends all know you and dad and they all love you guys too. So it is not as if they think you are some ridiculous person because of this. I am also having trouble understanding your response seeing as though I criticized dad the most in the entry, including standing up for you at one point.
I hope this helps you to understand the true nature of the blog entry. As far as love and respect go, that is a decision you have to make, I can't convince you of it. You have to decide if you can forgive any misunderstandings and turn instead towards finding/accepting the truth about how I feel towards you.
A good place to start is the walls of your office.
A Simple Thought
04/17/05 11:22 PM
Listening to ''She's Always A Woman To me'', by Billy Joel (Play Count: 12)As short as two weeks in Illinois was, spending only 12 hours with Maggie and various other Ritchies plus Kathy, was even shorter. But it was good/fun/exciting/needed/lovely to see her/them.
-Alan
Sweet Home Chicago (UPDATED x2)
04/08/05 06:16 PM
Coming back to LA has been more depressing than I anticipated. It is hard to explain all of the different aspects of what is different between the two places, but the most glaring difference is that Chicago, with all of the people there I know, is dripping with love, but not love towards me, even though that is there, just love, a communal love. An affection for people, besides me, and an affection for things and places that have nothing to do with me. I only make this distinction because I do not want you to think that I like it better, because it is satisfying due to me recieving love. Maybe there is so much love there because it is an over flowing of God's love for us! Also it is not just the fact that I know people in Chicago, but more the people themselves. LA is not dripping. Of course I am not referring to the city because it is hard for a city to love anything. It's good to know however, more than ever before, where my home is. Home could be in LA too, but it is all dependent on the people. Not that there aren't good people in LA.Within minutes of getting out of the airport my parents were doing this little bickering thing with each other, it is quite clear my dad has no idea what my mom needs. It is her birthday and he thinks she doesn't need anymore beautiful jewelry because she already has so much of it from over the years. Little does he know, all she hears is you are not beautiful enough for beautiful things. HERE HAVE A FRYING PAN (NO JOKE).
I think that I could love my family one day but right now i just need to breathe away from them and fill up with love, instead unintentionally being filled with cynicism and greed. I am praying about all of these things because, there is not much i can do on my own.
But is it worth it for me to be around? There is not much I can do on my own.
Then my dad complains about the financial situation of our family, and it is hard not to think, "why are you complaining, it is your household, you have the ability to change it for the better." It is hard for me to become a man, when my dad so consistently acts like a boy. Kicking and screaming, turning limp so that life cannot move him. At times I wonder why my parents are christians, they do not believe the promise of the gospel. Money means so much to them, it is the end of the world if a car gets scratched. Step out of the darkness into light! I just can't figure it out, they lead bible studies, they lead bible studies? Being a christian has not seeped into their lives, their everyday lives, and I wonder do they believe so that they may be saved from hell, and that is all. But if you are saved from hell than why would you live like you don't know the saviour?
There are things that I learned in the last 12 days, that are sliding away in this environment. Most of all there is a community of Christ at home, at Res. It is LA for now, but here is to you sweet home chicago.
-Alan
Today in History:
04/07 IBM announces System/360, 1964
04/07 Albert Hofmann synthesizes LSD in Switzerland, 1943
04/07 Alewives run, Cape Cod
04/07* Omer 10th day
Blog Test
04/06/05 11:03 AM
Good morning, well afternoon anyway.I am trying out this blog thing, seeing how it works.
If I like it, and all of that stuff.
The Elms new music!!!
Today in History:
04/06 Joseph Smith founds Mormon Church, 1830
04/06 Chakri Memorial Day in Thailand
04/06 Victory Day in Ethiopia
04/06* Omer 9th day
04/06* Parashat Shemini
04/06* Shabbat Mevarekhim